Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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