she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
