My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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