You just made me feel so damn special
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
