My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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