My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
