I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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