If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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