She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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