So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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