Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
