There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
