Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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