I can't watch pbs sober anymore
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
