I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
