the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
