i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
