I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
