god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
