Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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