well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
