At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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