just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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