if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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