Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
