I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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