It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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