So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
