Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
