I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
