i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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