I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
