True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
