Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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