I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
