went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
