dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
