Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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