Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
