38 yer olds are good kisserssss
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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