Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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