I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well I just put wine in my tea
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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