I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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