clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
