My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
