I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
