Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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