I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
