Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
