My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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