9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
