I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
