it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
