just come out here and I will go home with you...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
