I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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