He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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