yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
