Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
