I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
