I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
