I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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