I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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